Snowed in

We have had 2 days of being stuck inside. Yesterday it snowed all day long. Then the temps dropped. It's been in the negative here. I have cleaned every corner of the condo and done all the laundry. I have read a book and napped. I    may actually be Looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I do like a clean home but I also like to be able to leave when I please. 

We are dog sitting for a friend. The boys have made a fort in his crate. I colored my hair.  I have decided blonde is not really my thing. So back to dark. Of course my hair turns red whenever I color it. So I am a bit of a redhead. 

I have a week and a half left until I am 31. This makes me officially in my 30's. When did I become a grown up???!!!

Mom truth

This post is something that has been weighing on my mind lately. Being a mom. No one told me how hard it would be. I was the little girl who loved playing house and dolls. I loves watching my parents' friends kids. I always wanted to be a mom. When I was pregnant with Jaxon, I was excited to finally have a baby all my own. A baby to hold and snuggle and feed. Little did I know Jaxon didn't want to be held unless he was moving. He never snuggled and the boy ate, only to vomit 10 minutes later. It was beyond stressful. 

11 years later and I feel like I have a handle on the stress part of it, and I get kicked in the face again. This past year we have struggled. Not only me, but my children. Tim and I were separated. Jaxon's dad has also been seperated from his wife. This has proven to be hard on Jaxon.  He is my bright kid. The one who gets up and actually likes to go to school. The one who has gotten straight A's for 3 years in a row. Now he only has one A. I am not disappointed in him. I am in me. He's suffering. I am going to help him focus on himself and school for the next few weeks.

Serena is also struggling. She has always been a slower reader. I have read with her and worked with her. While everyone else is moving forward I feel like Rena is stuck. She is also not picking up other things. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I want to deny that there is something wrong, but in my gut I know there is. She has issues with her behavior and know with learning. I want to help her. I don't know where to start. I am going to talk to her teacher and her doctor and see what the next steps are. She already receives speech therapy and is in a special reading group at school. I am going to get all the help that she needs. 

Being a mom is hard as hell. Even after learning this the hard way I wouldn't trade them for anything. We'll maybe my 19 year old body and millions of dollars. I kid I kid!!

Clean out the fridge day

Weird title huh? It's what happened at work the other day. You know where you go through the fridge and get rid of the food er science projects in the fridge. I had things in there I don't even remember putting in there. Left over fast food, left over dinner. Frozen meals from who knows when. Cleared it out. It's very refreshing. It's clean it's empty. It's ready for new and fresh things. I am like that fridge. I have some things inside that I need to get out. Some old things that I don't know why I am still holding onto then. And some things I don't remember why I have them. So I am comparing my self to a refrigerator. Out with the old. Bad negative thoughts. In with new fresh ideas. New challenges. Going to go to the gym tonight. That monstor cardio machine that I dread getting on cuz I can't crank out more than 10 minutes without wanting to call a medic? Yea I am going to kick its ass tonight!!!!

2014

Happy New Year! A little late, like always. I am going to be honest, 2013 was a shitty year. Full of insecurities and bad decisions. I questioned myself too much and had high expectations. In my 30th year I had to let go of what I "thought" my life should have been. The process was long and painful. In doing so, I realized that I am extremely happy with the life I do have. Yep it needs some tweaking. I am forever on a journey of learning. 

I do however have many blessings to be thankful for. I have 3 beautiful children. And 3 stepchildren. That I almost let out of my life. I also realized that I have a wonderful husband. And with some work from both of us we can live a happy healthy life. 

So this year is my year. Many good changes. A more positive outlook. I stopped drinking soda. I am changing the way I am eating too. 

I am trying to be more patient as a wife and especially as a mother. I know this will not happen over night. I am ok with that. I am setting a good example for my children. 

Here are a few pictures from the holiday season. 

I am loving life. Soaking it all in. 

Jaxon, a birth story. 11 years and a few days later

I haven't ever written down the events of Jaxon's birth. 11 years is a long time later. I remember a lot of it. Some of it I am sure I have forgotten. I want to have it in words so I can look back and remember always.

I was very young when pregnant with Jaxon. 19. A child myself. I wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember. I played with so many dolls and was sure I was ready to be a great mom. My pregnancy was easy with him. No morning sickness, no real cravings. It never crossed my mind that anything could go wrong. And how lucky I was that nothing did. My sister Shauna and I were pregnant together. Her with her third, me with my first. She was 2 weeks ahead of me. Any symptom I had I just had to call and ask her if this was normal.  I didn't realize just how lucky I was to have this. We had the same doctor and often would time our visits together. We even found out the sex of the babies on the same day. 

I reached 40 weeks of pregnancy. Every visit to the doc revealed the same results.  No changes and labor didn't look like it would start anytime soon. I had a cold and was beyond frustrated. 2 days before my due date I got the same news. The dr sat and said we have some decisions to make. We could wait and let labor come naturally on its own. Um... No thank you. We could induce labor. Hmmm. Ok. If we did this the dr said my progress would be hard and slow. He didn't think I would dilate fully and if I did I had a 50% chance of needing a c section. What??? This is news to me! Why? Because the baby is close to 9 pounds and I have narrow hips that may not allow the passing of a baby this size. My third option: schedule a c section. 

At 19 I felt like this was a death sentence. No one wants to end up with a c section. Let alone just have one Witt out trying labor first. With tears steaming down my face, I left the office to talk to my mom and husband to make my decision.  After much discussion I decided to go ahead with the c section. This was a Thursday afternoon. A call from work to the dr and he let me know we could go in Friday morning. Wow this was really happening. 

After work we headed to the hospital to pre register. We then went out to our last dinner as childless people. Side note, pasta con broccoli is not a good choice for dinner right before surgery. 

Bright and early Friday November 22, we arrived at the hospital to have our baby. I remember being so excited. My swollen belly was soon to produce a baby. I kept thinking about what he was going to look like. A baby, my baby was going to be here soon. I was nervous about having surgery but the nerves were drowned by excitement. My mom and my husband john were there with me. Soon after we got there I was taken to per op. Here they asked me a zillion questions and administered my epideral. I was wheeled into the operating room. I was all alone and trying to take it all in. My arms were straight out to each if my side. A curtain was put up so I couldn't see the surgery. I could hear everything but see nothing. John was brought in to sit by me and his my hand. I remember tears of joy and just  repeating, we are going to have a baby.  Next thing I know, the anesthesiologist leans to my ear and says you are going to feel a lot of pressure, like an elephant is sitting on your chest. Then the sweetest noise ever... A cry. The dr held him up for me to see. And in an instant I feel in love. I was filled with joy and love and awe. This beautiful boy is mine. 

He was cleaned up and weighed while the doctors finished up surgery. Jaxon, weighing 8 lb 14 oz was handed to dad and I got to touch him and talk to him. As I was transferred to a bed to leave the OR I held my boy for the first time. 

Halloween 2013

I had a crazy Thursday morning. Kinda like every morning this past week. Woke up late, rushed kids to school and daycare. Was almost late to work. Once I got there things got only slightly better. I found out I would be rooming for 2 providers as we had someone out sick. Thankfully we were not that busy. I forced myself to be in a better mood after this. 

The nurse practitioner that I work for, Jen and I dressed up as teenage mint ant ninja turtles. Jen spray painted cake pans    green that we used as our shells. Then we had our ninja ties. It was a cute costume thought up and made in less than one day. 

We closed the office early and I got to pick the kiddos up early. All chaos reigned after this. The kids were on a super high from sugar. They had their school parties. I took them home and Jaxon and Serena were transformed into zombies. I have to say I was pretty proud of their face paintings. Payton was a lion this year. He had a really warm one price outfit that was really freakin cute. He even kept the hood up most of the night.

We went trick or treating with a friend and her family. The kids got a shit ton of candy. So for the next month they will be rotting their minds and teeth. We had a great time even though it was pretty windy and a bit rainy. After our candy haul we went to my friends fathers house and were treated to excellent chili and great company. We came home cold and exhausted. The kids may or may not have fallen onto bed with only washing their faces.

Calm down and focus

Here lately my life seems frazzled and crazy. I feel rushed and stressed on a daily basis. I can't seem to do things in calm and timely matter. I have been having trouble falling asleep at night. I seem to get my best sleep between 5 am and 8 am. We have to leave the house at 8:20. I haven't been able to pull my sleepy a hey body out of bed until 8:05 every morning this week. That means we have 15 minutes to get up get ready and out the door. The kids have been almost late every day.

This is not how I want to do things. My nights are crazy. I don't get home until after 6. Then there is dinner, homework, baths, ect. I feel like I don't get much quality time with the kids. 

I am making changes. I talked to my doctor. I have had back pain for 2 months straight. She has prescribed something to help stop the pain. Hopefully this means I can fall asleep at night and get up refreshed....earlier. Smooth mornings make for smooth days. I am going to get the kids clothes ready the night before. And pack my lunch too. This pain has made me feel like doing nothing. I haven't even been working out like I should. This weekend I am going to relax, enjoy my children and focus on our changes. 

I am going to do a post about our Halloween tomorrow. Happy weekend.